cynicschism

       Prior to his election, all kinds of nutty rumors spread about what would happen if Barack Obama won the presidency. Most of these rumors came from the usual wingnut suspects, especially in the form of viral e-mails that were spread quickly by the nutjob faithfull.  Of course none of them came true, and it’s unlikely they ever will, but it’s a good idea to recall what was circulating, and being taken seriously by many folks not so long ago.

       Obama had family connections in the African nation of Kenya.  So, the email rumors said he would be importing a large quantity of Kenyas to the U.S. to enjoy a new lifestyle. Well, seems they never arrived.

       Then there was the fact of Obama being from Chicago, maybe even a Chicago thug, as the emails put it.  Obama would bring the Windy City ethos right into DC, with gunfire, hits and all.  Well, Chicago probably doesn’t have much on DC when it comes to political corruption, but the rumored hit men never did make it to DC. 

       The biggest  fearmongering rumor was that Obama was a Muslim who would help Islamic terrorists take over America from the inside.  Ridiculous?Yes. But a whole lot of people seemed to have believed it.  Now that Obama has been in office for a month, it’s clear that none of these patently nonsensical events have come to pass, and are not likely to.  It was hard to think anybody would  fall for such obvious misinformation, but some did.  Obama’s election and actions in office were all it took to dispel them, and send them back to wingnutville, where they originated,

     After passing in the House of Representatives a week ago,  with not a single Republican aye vote,a revised stimulus bill made it through the Senate with only three Republican votes. No matter. The voters in November chose an overwhemingly Democratic Congress, and that’s where the power now resides.  Republicans will just have to learn to live with that.  It was good to see that their stubborness yielded no result.

       Funny thing. When the Republicans were in control just a few years ago, they spent like sailors on a spree, and didn’t seem to mind running up the deficit.  It was just a number.  Now that the Democrats have come forward with an attempt to help the economy, the Republicans are born-again deficit hawks. 

       Now the bill will go to conference, so that the differences between the House and Senate version can be ironed out.  As Obama has said, the bill is not perfect, and what legislation is?   But in the current awful economic environment, some action must be taken to help stimulate the economy before things only get worse.  This stimulus bill will hopefully accomplish as least the beginning of that goal.

       Hamas has declared victory in the latest Gaza fight.  If one defines victory as defeating the enemy, clearly Hamas was not victorious.  But if one defines victory in a more relative way, such as surviving the punishing Zionist onslaught, then Hamas has a point.  Like Hezbollah in 2006, Hamas was able to survive an attack by a far better equipped and trained enemy, one that has the latest technology at their disposal and money to burn.  But Hamas did survive, and apparently still remains in control in Gaza.

       That would mean that the Israelis’ supposed goal of putting Hamas out of business was not achieved.  Their other goal of killing as many people as they could, fighters or civilians, was achieved.  The indiscriminate slaughter of civilians, including children, ground on, day after day, under the IDF.  That’s what they do best.

       And now it looks like all those civilians were killed in vain.  Great swaths of the small territory were destoyred, some Hamas leaders and  fighters were killed, but at the end of the day, the Zionists’ goal of overthrowing Hamas was not achieved. And the Israelis’ got a black eye due to their attacks on civilians.  It’s failure all over again, just as it was in 2006 against Hezbollah.  The superior technology of the IDF will always win the battle, but it cannot win the war against the people it displaced over 60 years ago.  They aren’t going anywhere, much to the Zionists’ regret.  Resistance will continue as long as there is a usurping Zionist power to fight against.

       President Obama was correct to start the process of having some kind of trial system for the detainees currently being held at the Guantanamo Naval Base.  Holding people, no matter what their exact legal status, without any kind of trial for such a long period of time, is simply wrong.  And some of the detainees have been held  for nearly seven years.  It is long past due for them to be afforded the opportunity to have their day in court. 

       This will probably result in a long judicial process, which is just as well.  There must be two important outcomes of whatever type of process is undertaken:  They must carefully weigh all the relevant evidence in a fair way, and make sure that none of the suspected terrorists are let go before such an examination has occurred, and they are found not guilty.  This will both assure there are fair proceedings, and that the country is protected.

       The United States likes to present itself  as a country that is always goes the extra mile in matters of justice.  By giving the Guantanamo detainees fair trials, it can both live up to this ideal, and gain some rare good publicity in the international community, making the closing of Guantanamo a win-win for the U.S. 

       The ZE, aka Israel, is on the march in Gaza.  As usual, the Israelis teased folks for a while with talk of a cease-fire, though anyone with experience of the way the ZE operates knew they were just playing, and that they’d be going in for the kill pretty soon.  Already, the poor beleagured, valiant nation of Israel has managed a kill ratio of 100 to 1.  For every Zionist killed, the IDF has managed to kill 100 Palestinians.  How humane of them.  What can anyone feel but pity for their plight.  Poor murdering things.

       When one looks at the huge Israeli superiority in all forms of military force and technology, one might ask what the Zionists are so worried about.  Why do they respond with overwhelming force anytime rockets fall ,with little damage, on their territory?  It’s very simple really.  It has nothing to do with strategy.  They do it because they can, and because they don’t have the basic morality to stop slaughtering people who get in their way.  As always, the Zionists like to show the world what thorough thugs they are.

       What is the reaction of the U.S. to every Zionist onslaught?  A few mumbled words about peace, and total support of whatever the Israelis do. That’s because the U.S. has been in the bag for the Israelis for a very long time.  Whatever atrocities the Zionists commit are just fine with their American brothers.  That in itself should not be surprising.  The Zionists are just a mini-me reflection of their bigger American imperialist mentors.  Mindless military aggression is their favorite hobby, death-dealing their tightest bond.

       But, after all the death and destruction the Zionists hand out to the Palestinians, will they achieve their goal of crippling Hamas?  Not likely.  A similar gambit was tried against the resistance group Hezbollah in the summer of 2006.  The Israelis invaded southern Lebanon, hoping to undermine and weaken Hezbollah.  All the invasion did, besides the usual death and destruction, was give the Zionists a black eye and strenghten Hezbollah recruiting.  Back from their month long fiasco, the Zionists came home with little to show for their depredations.  The same is likely to happen in Gaza.  Though the topography is different from that of Lebanon, the results will be similar.  The Israelis will get a bad rap as they kill even more civilians, including children, Hamas will have a strong recruiting tool, there will be a short-term peace, and then, in a year or two, the Hamas rockets will start falling again on the piratical, land-stealing Zionists.  And the U.S., so busy trying to win approval in the Arab world, will share in the bad blood generated by the Israelis.  All in all, it looks like a lose-lose for both the Israelis and their imperial partners, the U.S.  Which is a win-win for the rest of the world.

       The bloodthirsty Zionist Entity is at it again, doing what it has done best since its land-stealing inception sixty years ago: Bringing death and destruction to innocent civilians and to those who will never accept its land grab and will fight it to the finish.

       Hamas, who pledge to bring the outlaw state of Israel to heel and return the land of Palestine to it rightful Arab owners, have started firing rockets into the territory usurped so long ago by the Israelis.  As usual, the barbaric Israelis react with disproportionate force, not because it is necessary, but simply because they can.  For Israel, as for their bigger bullying cousins in the U.S. , might makes right, and there is no doubt that, in purely technological terms, freedom fighters like Hamas can not come close to the Israeli military, which deals out its punishment rather indiscriminately. 

       The Israelis might wait a day or two and pretend to be interested in a cease fire, all the while preparing for an allout invasion of Gaza.  And in the war of tanks and planes against guns and rifles, it’s pretty clear who will win, at least in the short run.

       But it is doubtful that the Israeli’s goal of putting an end to Hamas permanently will be achieved, no more than their goal of destroying Hezbollah was achieved in the short Lebanon fiasco a few summers ago.  The Israelis have tried this before, and it never works.  Hamas will survive, and live another day to do battle against the Israeli land stealers, until their goals are accomplished.

       The Bible toters may be a bit alarmed, but there hasn’t been a peep from Mary, Joseph, or Jesus when a plaque sponsored by the Freedom from Religion Foundation tooks its place next to the holy family in the marble halls of the Washington state capital of Olympia.  The plaque celebrates the Winter Solstice and the natural world without recourse to gods and devils and angels or any other manner of supernatural beings.  Such a display is simply called freedom of speech.

       How it all came about is an interesting story in itself.  A few years back, a menorah was placed in those same marble halls.  This led some Christians to ask that a nativity scene be allowed also.  Their request came too late to do anything that year, but next year the nativity scene was allowed.  This decision opened up an avenue for others to request that a display celebrating their ideas be put in the state capital building also.  Thus the atheist group was alowed to put up their display this year celebrating the godless natural world.  And the Christians indirecly aided them by their original suit.  Now the  two stand next to each other in Olympia.

       Naturally, some Christians are more than a little upset by this turn of affairs.  The leader of the original group that spearheaded the fight for the nativity scene doesn’t like the atheists’ plaque, but he admits that everybody has the right, under the First Amendment, to express their own views.  Some other religious folks have not been as tolerant.  Bill O’Reilly has urged viewers to call the governor to complain about the plaque, although the matter is more under the juridiction of the state legislature.  Maybe O’Reilly should go back and take another look at the First Amendment.

       For now, the plaque remains, as it should.  No belief should have a monopoly on free speech.  Atheists should have the same ability as others to express their beliefs in a governmental forum.  Maybe next year,  a statue of Zeus can be placed in the capitol. It is located in the city of Olympia after all.

     The Alaskan Repetory Company is proud to present our latest one-act play entitled Three Politicians in search of an orgasm; or the icepeople cometh. We hope both all our long-time surscribers and new members will enjoy the production:

 Dramatis personae:

 Senator Jack McCrane, old washed-up politico.

Senator Flem Liverspot, slightly younger washed-up politico

Governor Sadie Paleface, vibrant newcomer to the poltical scene.

                                                          Act One

(scene one: the interior of a rustic cabin somewhere in the Yukon river valley. It is simply furnished with a table, a few chairs, a kitchen, and a bed with iron bedsteads. At the table sits McCrane, with a bottle of premium vodka on the table and a glass half-filled with said vodka. McCrane is talking to himself .)

McC:  Damn, with all my years of experience, losing to some guy still wet behind the ears.  The only thing to do to drink myself into a stupor, pretend the whole thing never happened, and maybe, later in the evening, play with myself a little bit. Not much of a future to look forward to. Shit holy.

                                    (a knock sounds on the door)

Oh hell, who could that be. I didn’t even get to drag the old prokchop out and strum it yet. It’s always something (yells in direction of door) Hark. Who dares to knock at my door at this time of night. Identitfy thyself varlet.

                                           (voice at door)

LivSp: It’s me, Liverspot. What the hell is all this hark crap.  Damn, it’s freezing out here. My willy feels like it’s half way up my stomach. Let me in, you old cocksucker, before I smash in your door.

McC:  Cocksucker, why I never, well almost never…Is that you Flem, you old bustard. The door’s not locked you chucklehead. Come on in.

(door opens, Liverspot enters, closes door behind him with a firm push)

Livsp:  What the hell, it’s damn freezing cold out here.  Jesus.  What’s wrong with you. I’ve got an icicle and two tightly packed snowballs in my pants.

McC:  Well, what the hell did you put that in your pants for?

Livsp:  I’m talking about my cock and balls, dummy.  They’re freezing off. Don’t you know what a metaphor is?  I need somewhere to warm them up before they break off.

McC:  Wouldn’t take much.  Dry off by the fireplace.

Livsp:  There is no fireplace now, I’ll have to build one. (quickly builds fireplace) There, that was easier than I thought.  Oh, I’m cold. (throws wood in newlt built fireplace)  Oh that feels better.  I’m warming up now.

McC:  You know what I’d like to see?  I’d like to see your diddlythumper and globals warming out.  See what you’re made up, you old crook.

Livsp:  You’ve seen them many times before and they haven’t changed since the last time we made it.  You’re a gd 24/7 pervert, you know that?

McC:  Yes, I know that.  I thought if I took a few swigs from this bottle, I’d straighten up a bit, but it didn’t work, cause I still want to watch your piddlewiddle warm up.

Livsp:  Oh, alright, you old white-haired damn perv.  But let the fire build up a little warmth first.  My rumplestick and castors are just beginning to warm up, they’re still half-frozen.  Give it a minute.

McC:  Okay, I guess you deserve a little break.  Want a glass of this stuff?  It’ll warm you up as fast as the fire. (pours a clean glass half full of vodka.) Here ya go. (hands glass to Liverspot, show is standing before fire)

Livsp:  Thanks, mighty arctic of you. (takes deep drink) Hey not bad.  I feel warmer already. Even my longstaff is starting to thaw.  Thank goodness, it’s about time.

McC:  Are you really getting warmer.  Good.  I wanna see that broom handle of yours right now, post haste.

Livsp:  Damn ingrate.  Can’t wait a minute can you, you old sod.  Well, I might as well get it over with, stop you drooling on the table.

McC: Oops (wipes drool off table with napkin)

Livsp:  Okay, let me take a sounding(puts hand down into front of pants).  Ah, almost back to normal.

McC:  Alright, let the show begin.

Livsp:  Yes, that feels better, let’s get if over with. (starts taking clothes off, beginning with coat, then shirt, then pants, then tee shirt, then socks, finally removes underpants).  Okay, that feels better. (Liverspot  now completely naked, stands before fire feeling himself, his bare back and ass turned to McC) Oh, now I’m warmed up.  Oh, that fels good.  Mr.  Peepod is ready for action.

McC:  Turn around, I don’t want to see your fat ass, I want to take a look at Sir Whackadoodle.  Come, turn about, and let us see Lord Manthinger in all his glory. (McC starts to drool slowly unto the table).

Livsp: (turns about so that McCrane and the audience can clearly see his erect member and his firm testicles) There, are you happy?  God that feels better now that everything is warm again.  Strange, but I feel like pumping myself, until I come into the fire.  Could that be dangerous?  Will cum conduct the heat?

McC:  Oh, dearest boy, I do not know.  I’m speechless.  I’ve seen it many times before, but here in this cabin, after those drinks, it’s like I’m seeing your Johnnycaker for the first time.  It’s wonderful, so hard, so frim, so red in the firelight.  And the way your globals bounce in the shadows.  Would you grant me just one favor?

Lvsp:  Now what?

McC:  Can I have first crack on stroking your dingleshaft?  You can help yourself anytime you want, but, well…mine isn’t always reliable, and if you could allow me first dibs on yours, I…would be very…gentle.  Would you, dear one?

Livsp:  Oh hell, why not.  We’re stuck in this damn cabin for who knows how long.  Just wash your hands first.  Wait that’s vodka isn’t it?  I have to pee right now.  Isn’t  vodka tasteless.  If I can pee in that bottle, I’ll feel a whole lot better.

McC:  It sure as hell won’t be tasteless after you fill it up.  Be pateint, you can wait.  Now, come over closer to the table and let me get my hands on your poleball and make you climax.

Livsp:  (moves close to table, his erect member more visible to McCrane and audience, it is still extended in a hardy salute) Oh, just get this over with.  Even with all your dumb talk, I’m about to come.  Here, hang on. (he pushes up close to McCrane and thrusts out his stiff manthing, as McCrane gets a grip on it and starts to pump it back and forth).

(Suddenly, there is a knock on the cabin door)

McC, Livsp: (they speak together in surprise)  What the hell.  Who is it?  Damn, what’s with the timing.  What do you want?  Answer us.

At this point in the play, it is a tradition of the Alaskan Repetory Company to take a brief intermission and to continue with the play on the following day.  Please join us tomorrow for more of our premiere performance.

   Our friendly source, who has supplied us with so much material over the last few weeks, had promised us a new treat for today-a short one-act play based on true events.  It chronicled the unusual meeting of three characters in a snowy cabin not far from the Yukon river in Alaska.  The three characters?  Just to give a preview-John McCain, Joe Lieberman and Sarah Palin.  In a bizarre series of twists and turns, their meeting takes numerous strange reversals, leading to one of the strangest sexual congresses ever seen outside of Washington, DC. 

          Unfortunately, due to time constraints and circumstances beyond anyone’s control, the play was not delivered into our hands until much later than we had anticipated.  We thought it would be better to put the play together in presentable form, then just to publish it in its somewhat rough form.  It should be ready sometime tomorrow afternoon, when we hope to present it in all its trashy glory.

      The same source who supplied the recent letter written by  Senator McCain, posted here yesterday after some edits to keep things as clean as possible, has stepped up to the plate again and given us the reply to the McCain letter, writtten by Senator Joe Lieberman. As the letter was subject to editing, we cannot vouch for its authenticity, though our sources stand just behind it.  The letter follows:  

    Dear Johnny Mav,  

         I am now in possesssion of your recent letter. Even as I write, tears are staining my laptop, and my excitement is causing a slight bulge in my pants, which is lifting my laptop slightly up in the air.       

       No apologies are needed. Of course, I hoped that you would select me as your VP nominee. And naturally, I was disappointed to find I had lost out to a no-brain whack job like Caribou Barbie. But I know how the game of politics is played, and I realize you made the best decision you could. Ah, even now I think of the fun we could have had hitting the Hilton every night after a long day of campaigning. A little nap, a nice meal, and then a sweeet rub-a-dub-dub in the over-sized tubby, just you and me and a tub full of bath foam. I would have been able to relax you in the usual way, by taking your manthing between my two hands and slowly massaging it until you climaxed  among the bubble-bathed waters. Such was my hope. Alas, it was not to be, at least at that time.          

      But that’s all in the past now. As you write, we will soon return to the Senate where we can enjoy each other amid the echoing marble architecture of the Senate men’s room. I will be willing and able to be your little minnow, if you will so graciously extend to me your Washington Monument.  I look forward to licking it clean from base to tip. After all the tribulations of the campaign, it will be a pleasure to get back to our old routine. I will have you right where I want you.   The very thought makes me smile. So until then, dear boy, take care. My laptop is rising higher even now, and I must relieve myself with a few quick strokes of the stylus. Looking forward to that first sweet encounter with your big mac.  

 Lovingly yours,

Joseph L.